I had a short nap and woke up after a nightmare
It was at a dark place and I was running around like a headless chicken, met some people I knew who didn’t want me to tag along
As I watch them hurried away, I never felt more alone before.

Then I woke up, another sad reality check
This is the last days of my hols

I have not written for 2 months
For 2 months I just kept working, kept trying to do the tasks I were asked to
Sometimes I feel that I might actually be a workaholic at heart, I would tell myself you have nothing much to do at home too, if you don’t stay behind to complete your work
Maybe this accounts to my lack of social activities, also because I’m too lazy and tired to be the usual organiser
I shall resolute to be the party organiser, if and when I find the time and motivation to. haha, that doesn’t sound promising.

The holidays is nice at relaxing, but scary at the same time at times
I would go to town, wait for my family members to be done with their appointments, shop ard in the middle of the day by myself, and as I watch the crowd pass me by, I’ve never felt more by myself.
It because in the hospitals, sometimes things revolve around me, in my little orbit, everyone wants me to do something for them, and I’ll do it and there’s this constant interaction between me and the staff and the patient and their families
Now when I’m on leave, my time belongs to myself, no one else but myself
I kinda like it at times, I can take time to just sleep, laze around, go out with my mum, watch a movie in the middle of the day, go for supper with my friends, that’s why I don’t want it to end.
I actually feel that work isn’t everything, I just need to let it go at times, before it consumes me.
At the same time, it gives me time to think about stuff, the scary future that’s beholds, the unknown, what do I really want to do, what do I want out of my life, I’m 24, to myself when I was 10, I’m more than an adult already. But now I feel like I’m still a kid, why does everyone seem to want me to figure out what I want to do with my life, why do I demand myself to go find out, just because we cant waste our life away, because we don’t want to wait till it’s too late, then figure it out.
But I still insists in a kid? can’t I? there are times where I’m out with friends, I realised that if I need to do the math, be the planner, be the one in control, I can. I always have been. But sometimes I just don’t want to. I just want to have fun and slack and someone else do the math, be the planner, be the one in control. haha.
I’m getting confused. by myself as usual
Me, who truly believes in escapism, hopes that everything will run it course, problems will solve themselves, when I wake up from my sleep
Time and time again, I only wake up to reality, which suck sometimes

I think I complained too much over the last 3 months of work
I also thought I was a good natured, even tempered person, in public at least haa
I don’t like it when I feel very negative about someone in particular
I should not let scums in the world bother me, they are just a waste of my time
So please remind me if I ever start complaining again, huimin please remind yourself.
It sucks to complain all the time, makes you relive your unhappiness
just forget, I forget, but I don’t forgive? haha but if you are a constant thorn in my flesh, it takes a lot for me to forget, doesn’t it?

All in all, I worry I’ve transformed into someone who lives for the next leave, for the next time to travel/sleep a little more.
I need to find more in life than this, isn’t it?

my last 2 calls were kinda interesting
the first was last saturaday. which incidentally was my birthday. it was busy at the beginning, helping out at HD, and for the first time i lost my temper at a SN. who told me i shud haf gotten my ME cartridge ready and blammed me, when she dint even do her job to refill the bloody box. wa tt just pissed me off so bad. holding a capillary tube in 1 hand n struggling w another was kinda painful. sigh.

but it was nice n sweet cause py n all my frens pre and post call + wl who came bk to clear d/c summaries, came down to HD MO rm to sing me a song w a cake hahaa
altho the nurses kept calling n i had to say over the phone, "i'm supposed to b celebrating my bdae now!#@#@" cause i was feeling q sianz already
but all in all it was nice
but i had no time to change or do anything till 940pm.
where i finally got down to get some cold macdonalds in the ICU pantry, bought by our Regs a couple of hrs ago...
there i was on my 24th bdae, having dinner all by myself in a cold ICU pantry, globbling down a cold burger, a cup of coke n stuffing a handful of fries in as well, with many more passives left for me to do. i was NBM, NPU since the slice of cake at noon. i thought abt my life the past 23 yrs, my life ahead of me, in those few mins.. n hmm mayb this is wat i want. this "masochistic" stuff haha.
i dunnoe.. haha but well i dint get a wee-bit of slp. at midnite i told the nurse sadly that 30th's over.. n they were like hur? mayb they thought i was tinking my work will b ending in abt 12hrs or so.. aft having worked almost 18hrs already.

the 2nd call was just as interesting. thurs when i went post call abt 3pm.. (isn't it wonderful?) hhaa i got on NEL at little india, fell asleep, n the next time i woke up i was at clark quay. hahahahah
which means i went to punggol past sengkang twice n went to clarkquay. i trudged my tired body n heavy bag across the platform, fell asleep AGAIN on the train ride n woke up at punggol again. i had to go by sengkang 4 times before i was awake enuff to get off the train hahaa
so all in all i took 2+hrs to get home altho normally i shud take less than an hr.

n i spent my whole post call night trying to come up w a presentation that was due friday at noon. the stressors in my life. glad the presentation went ok. although i had to do my changes before i cud go down to the LT, n i kept telling my nurses i cant b late today, really, cause guess wat? i'm one of the speakers. if i'm late, then speaker no-show how? haha

today i went bk to work when i didnt haf to, cause the d/c summaries are pilled till the are reaching the ceiling. sigh
but i was nice, i treated my family to jap food, with my first pay. the first time in a couple of yrs, i'm financially stable again. haha finally i had time to take a good look at my family members. it was nice.

tmr i'm on call again.

but nevertheless, i met a couple of cute kids over the whole of last wk, n they never fail to make me smile
so life's still good, and yea i'll just work till i run out of energy or enthusiasim, save loads of $ n bring the $ to my grave.
welldone.
happy belated birthday, huimin.

I've not have time to sit down, rest and reflect, since i've started work 3 weeks ago. Working is a whole world different from studying for MBBS. Although the last few months of studying was a long drawn nightmare, working seems to be a lifelong commitment.

At the beginning, I felt really lost and helpless. It was nice to have our HOMO around where we can hide behind them and they'll help us settle most things. So i'm very grateful to WL for teaching me loads of stuff. Now my new senior SH is really nice too, which i'm grateful for.

But there are good time and bad ones. In paeds we deal with kids n parents. Kids are cute when they are well, but when they are sick n whiney they can get q irritating at times. There was ibu girl that got me abit shorttempered cause she was terribly whiney. But there was Servy who gave me chocs when he was discharged n his mummy brought him to the MO rm to look for me, to give me a big hug before he went home. Those were really sweet moments. Then there are my wonderful staff nurses, who always ask me to go home, cause i'm always the first to arrive n the last to leave in my ward, and they ask me everyday whether i'm on call.

At first i was q scared of some of them, cause they feel that q intimidating, but with time, when they know i'm really trying despite being very slow, they are very sweet. They'll offer me food, run to get me drinks at 4am, when i walk into the ward on call, having onli had lunch earlier and feeling so dehydrated i need 3% correction. I got to drink from the baby bottle, n i was even offered Pedialyte haa. I've been offered icecream n chocs n food, which was really nice. Wonderful nurses really help. They tell me where to insert the cannula, help me find veins, tell me what and how to order some meds, when i was clueless.

There were times when i feel so tired n sian, and i really feel like crying.. Days when i cudnt go post call and everything went wrong. Where i got shouted at for my mistakes, and even worse off, where i cudnt be of help n caused more trouble for others. It was terrible. Going on call every 4 days is q trying. I'm either precall, oncall or postcall + 1 free day. And you'll learn wat not to say to certain people in a hard way.

I dont feel that i'm doing much "saving lives" but i know there are little things we can do to facilitate and help the patients n their families during their stay. There's alot of communication with the angry parent, it happens every other day. And learning how to sian your way thru some occasions is essential. Sometimes what you say is not rocket science, but they are just too anxious to see it.

I work in the paying class ward, apart from richer locals we take care of many foreigners, some are rich some are poor. They stay in the A class ward because they are not locals. They run out of money to receive treatment here and have to AOR. They dont speak our language and look so lost and helpless and i've seen a Viet mummy cry in a corner, and i felt so bad that i cant even give her a few words of comfort. All i can do is make sure that the letter to the Opthalmo doc in Viet be as detailed as possible, with wat's been done for the child here. I admire the IMS translator ladies, who really did their best to translate for their fellow countrymen, with me bugging them many times a day, they never once got irritated. I felt touch when a daddy ask me for my namecard after thanking me profusely, but i told him i'm too junior to hold a namecard. It's always wonderful to see kids get well n get to go home. But the kids in HD are really poor thing.. To do daily bloods for them is almost impossible. Sigh

Colleagues are important, most of my classmates turned colleagues really make my day sometimes. They'll ask if i need help on call, buy me food n drinks. It's nice. And a funny reg n know realli made my day, when i was so depressed. She forgot her mask n was hiding her face behind her sari hahaaha i cudnt stop laughing while walking home. I hope to be more efficient at work, hope to slp a couple of hrs on call, hope to not sit on my train n reach punggol, or miss my lrt stop n had to travel 1 whole loop post call.. haiz

i'm tired of being tired.
hope the last few days of the 23rd yr of my life's better n i'll have a happy 24th. :)

although it's typical drama-talk, but it's nice to hear just when i'm going to start work soon.. haha

was reading wed's paper.. and saw the news that 阿桑 passed away, of terminal breast cancer at the age of 34.. it's so sad.. she's so young and was abt to get married soon.. :(
Ye zi.. is one of the emo songs i like.. i used to be very into The Rose, the drama with zheng yuan chang, ella etc.. sigh


i saw this ad on tv last night.. it's quite interesting using a funeral as a setting to promote family ties.. but i didnt know it was more specifically to promote marriage. It's by the director called Yasmin Ahmad.. who incidentally filmed Sepet s well.. haa i dint finish watching it, but it was highly recommended by fel.. hope youtube still has it :)

What's Up Fox? Foxy Lady 여우야 뭐하니


Over the past few days, I've finished watching What's up, Fox. It's a lighthearted korean drama, that's rather interesting. Like 敗犬女王, it's about about 33 yr old lady, giving up a nice mature man, and getting together with a 24 yr old.. (ok, at least that's the ending i hope for 敗犬女王, if it's the same as the novel) A difference in 8-9years. Similar theme but rather different storylines.
Beng says I always like to watch this kinda shows ahaa. I just think that watching these shows when i'm 23 is less sad, than watching them when i'm 33 rite? hahaa

I highly recommend both shows haa..
http://www.tudou.com/playlist/id/4057139/
this particular playlist is the best i've come across, each part of the drama runs really smoothly and allows me to watch non-stop.
It's time to get off internet tv for a while and get some fresh air soon.. the weather looks nice and cooling.. mayb i shud go for a walk? w a slight limp :p



梁靜茹-找個人

haa i just tot my ankle was kinda swollen, dint know the difference was so big until i wore my socks today... look at how the last few proximal strips got stretched O_o"
hahaha
my mum says my feet look like they belong to diff pple..

limpiing around with a sprained ankle is experience i've almost forgotten haa
the amount of pain is tolerable but i was just kinda amused that i've forgotten how it was like.
used to sprain my ankles way too frequently during training 5 yrs ago.. i guess it means i hafnt engange in much sports since the last 5 yrs of med sch haha
but it was fun playing bball n badminton.. wud haf been more fun and tiring if i hafnt hurt my leg la..

but i was q suay yest haha
went out in 1 piece came how w all 4 limbs "injured"
the nurse who topo ++ at both my UL to find take my darah, walaueh.. only taught me to hone my skills and not do the same thing next time...

accumulated alot of fatigue over these few days while i go out w a vengence but my ankle is telling me to have some "me time".. which is nice too :)

The last few months felt like a long-drawn battle, almost a nightmare.
Prepartion of MBBS started quite some time ago, but the last bit of the race was really tough. There is so much at stake and it feels like 5 years of effort is all being evaluated by 10 days of exams spread over 3 weeks.
Many papers were rather tough, don't think I did very well clinically. Sigh.
But now all we can do is to keep our fingers (and toes) crossed and wait for the release of results. I either start working in May or retake my exams in half a year's time.
The period was tough, but at the same time it was comforting to know that you are not alone, when you talk to fellow classmates, see their facebook status and all. We made it to the end of the battle, now let's just hope most of us survived it. I have never felt so tired and worn out after exams. haha actually could not even keep my eyes open on my way home after the last exam on Sunday.

I am now officially tired from slacking for 2 days haha. The feeling of emptiness after a major exam is always there, but well let's just all have some rest till the nxt time we all have to start working again.

你是我的眼 蕭煌奇


the lyrics are really beautiful :)

你是我的眼 詞、曲：蕭煌奇 演唱：蕭煌奇

如果我能看得見　就能輕易分辨白天黑業　就能準確的在人群中牽住你的手
如果我能看得見　就能駕車帶你到處遨遊　就能驚喜的從背後給你一個擁抱
如果我能看得見　生命也許完全不同　可能我想要的我喜歡的我愛的　都不一樣

眼前的黑不是黑　你說的白是什麼白　人們說的天空藍　是我記憶中那團白雲背後的藍天
我望向你的臉　卻只能看見一片虛無　是不是上帝在我眼前遮了簾　忘了掀開

你是我的眼　帶我領略四季的變換　你是我的眼　帶我穿越擁擠的人潮

你是我的眼　帶我閱讀浩瀚的書海　因為你是我的眼　讓我看見這世界就在我眼前




你是我的眼 林宥嘉

I've not written anything proper in my blog for a long time. Like some of my friends say, it's almost becoming like a youtube channel with all the videos i post.

I think it's because there are too many things happening, i've no time or energy or much desire to write. I think a short summary would be life's tough, but somehow we'll pull through. I think i'm kinda resigned to the fact that even if i've to stay back 6 more months, i should just take it in my stride, since it's only a means to an end. But i still hope i pass. *fingers-crossed* If i fail, i think it'll benefit patients cause i've 6 more months to work on my incompetence but it's the pride thing i guess.. how everyone will give you a sympathetic look and how juniors will whisper behind your back the m5A/ m5' whatever. argh

anyway i wanted to say today is a memorable day of my med school education. it's the last day in the wards actually. 5 years of work and it's the end. now we have 2 weeks to consolidate, get a grip on ourselves and face the BIGGEST exams of our lives so far. It's been enjoyable for the past 5 years as i look back, although i feel that i might have aged by a decade or so, but it's fun and worthwhile, and to end it with derm it's quite interesting actually. Derm will be more fun if we had more time to study i guess.

Niu is a year good for changing occupation (according to a horoscope article), let's hope we'll job-hop from Medical student to Houseofficers ya.

I like to say "the world is ending in 2 weeks(this shortens with each day)". although i jolly well know it wont, the world does not stop revolving, even if i cant make it. So life goes on, rite?

To my dear friends, hope you guys know i still <3 u all, despite having no time to meet up, to maintain my friendships, but i'll b bk :)

on a lighter note, w less angst
check out this song.. nice :) i like the chorus

陳奕迅 Eason Chan - 不要說話

曲,詞 : 小柯

深色的海面佈滿白色的月光
我出神望著海心不知飛哪去
聽到他在告訴你
說他真的喜歡你
我不知該 躲哪裡

愛一個人是不是應該有默契
我以為你懂得每當我看著你
我藏起來的秘密
在每一天清晨裡
暖成咖啡 安靜的拿給你
願意 用一支黑色的簽筆
畫一出沉默舞臺劇
燈光再亮 也抱住你

願意 在角落唱沙啞的歌
再大聲也都是給你
請用心聽 不要說話

愛一個人是不是應該要默契
我以為你懂得每當我看著你
我藏起來的秘密
在每一天清晨裡
暖成咖啡 安靜的拿給你
願意 用一支黑色的簽筆
畫一出沉默舞臺劇
燈光再亮 也抱住你

願意 在角落唱沙啞的歌
再大聲也都是給你
請用心聽 不要說話

願意 用一支黑色的簽筆
畫一出沉默舞臺劇
燈光再亮 也抱住你

願意 在角落唱沙啞的歌
再大聲也都是給你
請原諒我 不會說話

願意 用一支黑色的簽筆
畫一出沉默舞臺劇
燈光再亮 也抱住你

願意 在角落唱沙啞的歌
再大聲也都是給你
愛是用心嗎 不要說話

i hate people who refuse to give up their seats to old foggies, they should fucking go die.
i hate people who cut my queue, they should fuck off too.
i guess the thing i hate most is the fact i didnt tell them to go screw themselves there and then.

敗犬女王預告(在我心裏妳是女王)




new show haa

this is funny.
娛樂百分百 小豬噁心玉女篇

was watching abit of 完全娛樂 and heard this qn haaaa

心理測驗--]你的愛情真面目 大家看看自己是哪一種吧

炎熱的酷暑快令人受不了，走在路上像是快融化的冰淇淋，汗水一直滴個不停，在這個酷熱的時刻，你認為作什麼事，最能馬上消除暑氣？

１．游泳

２．吃挫冰

３．吹冷氣

４．冥想靜坐，心靜自然涼

＜解答＞
選擇(1)的人：

　　一遇到中意的人，你的世界就完全充滿了他的影子，無法再思考其它，心甘情願住進對方的情牢，作個馴順的情人，你會馬上開始構築兩人的未來生活，或許才剛交往兩星期，你就開始預想將來要有兩個寶寶，婚後要住在哪裡？迫不及待要跳入婚姻的牢籠，動作快得讓大家嚇一大跳．


選擇(2)的人：

　　你出入戀愛囚牢已經不下數十次了，簡直可以說是累犯了，可是你每次都能來去自如，分手也分的乾淨俐落，對方在離別後還會非常思念你，誰叫你像風一樣，讓人捉摸不定，又目眩神迷，真是個危險的戀人．


選擇(3)的人：

　　你很容易對人動心，遇到不錯的對象，心波馬上漣漪盪漾，可是你也不過是心裡想想而已，遲遲不敢行動，雖然心中哈的要命，臉上也會表現出漫不在乎的樣子，或許對方有點察覺，可是礙於你的心還不定，兩個人就只好不停打高空，死撐著等對方先開口．


選擇(4)的人：

　　對於感情，你一直不瞭解自己到底在想什麼，每次都投注全部的感情，但總是常常讓自己傷身又傷心，帶著疲憊絕望的心情，回家去療養，心裡的傷痊癒的很慢，所以一次又一次的戀愛，你事先都審慎考慮，等到確定之後才會敞開心接受，而每一次都是認真的．

http://blog.roodo.com/arthurcandy/archives/1953155.html