since i cant seem to get down to concentrating on biochem today i might as well write sumthing
was tinking of writing this all down after EVERITHING is over
but i guess it ll onli b over on 3 may n tts still q far away

the most harrowing experience of my life
mi n my stupidity
mi n my laziness
mi being a weakling
mi tinkg tt i cant bear all this animore

crap
it started during ca2 prep i guess
so mani things to rem i jus cant rem
so mani things to stardeee
no time no time no time
stress of exam
then ca came n went
in n out of depression
jus sitting at my table n cry
coz i cant take it
feel small whiney n stupid
aft the physio paper i knew i failed it

fuck
cried my way home hope no one saw
stardee again for anat
came n went
thanx to the tips frm the profs
it was ok
lifted my spirits abit n went home to sleep
got onto the wrong lrt blah blah
watched hitch

soon huayu was bk
im happi
three wks to pros
stress level rose once again
stardee stress depress cry whine go hysterical stardee again cry summore
i tink im going crazy
crossing out the days one by one
one wk left
i haf no time animore
yank my hair out until i tink im going bald
my mama sweep oso shock so much hair on the floor
no lunch everidae
cant eat
too depress
bit my fingers my lips
til the fingers flaky flaky skin n start bleed
it hurt so much tt i cudnt write animore
kept sucking my own bld frm my lips
kept picking on the zits on my face
cant bear to sleep everidae

pros came n left
last mon tue wed
b4 the paper
bouts of hysteria
i haf no time
i cant finish
i cant rem
i hate my self n i want to die - copywrited frm sumone but kept going thru my head
i cant take it animore

first thing on monday
everione says
huimin u look v stress
i noe
im v stressed
worried tt i wont do well
worried tt i need to go for viva
worried tt i need to go for supp
worried tt i fail supp n retain
worried tt i need to go on my knees to beg ocbc to continue gifing mi my scholarship
worried tt i fail
worried tt i cant take it when i fail
worried abt everithing on this world

cry like some whiney crap
coz everione at home to worry
acted like a freaky baby
wanted everione to sayang mi n tell mi it ll b fine
then ill feel bad toward my parent n cry even more

didnt noe how tt three days came n went
went home of wed to sleep everione went out to play
i need to stardee more for viva for supp i dunnoe
slept
awoken to continue worrying
cry
slept again
delirious i cant tink str

tok to xiangyun whu tried so hard to cheer mi up
tok to huayu whu was given the ardous task by my parents to comfort mi
whu can comfort mi
searching for sumone to save mi
no one can

got bk to stardeeing the next day
slow progress
slow
worries cant stop tinking abt the namelist for vivas
if i c my name on it how
if i go for supp how
actualli i noe i jus need to face the reality and get a life
go then go rite
shit scared like shit

budden
how?
dunnoe
py came by to stardee w mi for 2 days
i stardee but i dont learn
i cant commit stuff welll to memory coz i dont keep tinking abt them n draw links
i mus learn

tot the physio wud b out on fri
i didnt
tot the physio wud b out on mon
i didnt
ok tue confirm anat viva list out
scared liike shit again
coz my most confident subj
if im going for vivas for anat
the rest is dead

went to sch yest
cried like shit again b4 i left
scared like shit again on my bros van

py called my name isnt on it
heng
i cudnt believe kept running thru the list
its not there
shudnt haf to go for supp la
i cleared anat

physio is out too at 11+
cudnt breathe veri well on the way to the board
held my breath my name is not there

the little worry at the bk of my head
am i a direct supp?
alex say its rare unless u realli didnt do the paper
caleb say shudnt haf to go unless u noe u failed terribly for pros
i tried to calculate how i can get less than 40%
i need to get less than 46/120 to go for direct supp
q hard rite
but i never noe
i feel ok abt the final paper at least for the last 80 marks at the bk
but i never noe rite
feeling ok might not b ok
so shit
the direct supp list ll onli b out on 3may
till then haah

biochem is not out
i dunnoe im worried
im studyign but im slacking
shit shit
im studying la
aft i stop typing this

tried praying seriously the first time in my life
to tt mighty being out there
i learnt my lesson i did
pls let mi pass this time
pls jus let mi pass
can?

no name on the viva
r my prayers ansewered?
i dunnoe
biochem how?
i gotta study

my horoscope yest says -
That long, strange trip you've been on? Its about to come to a rapid-fire close - over the next 72hrs. Doesn't sound quick - unless you consider the past three long, strange weeks you've been enduring.

omg does it mean tt biochem viva list ll b out by tmr
i ll clear n i wont haf to go sup
a rapid fire close
serene sure has influenced mi to read into horoscope
lets hope its true

but like i told my bro
i deserved it all la
i did study
realli for m1 yr
alot harder than in jc liao
but it jus didnt seem good enuff
coz guess wat
huimin barely studied in jc ha
didnt even noe how i got my As result to b gd enuff
im didnt go good enuff

next yr if ever i land myself in such a situation again
i haf given the right to ppl close to mi
jus slap mi rite across the face to ask mi to wake up my idea
next yr im so not going to worry for pass fail vivas or supp
im going to get everithing str everiday
no cuming home to sleep coz im too tired nothing of tt sort

stop being a whiney lousy freak
tt scared ur whole fam
ur poor mum n dad
whu haf to worry for mi at work
scared i kill myself
my poor bros whu tried all their means to cheer mi up
to help mi in aniway
stop being a liability
my mama says she believes tt im smart
m i?

hopefully
she say im always v zai b4 exams
y this time so jialat
she doesnt wan to c it again
i dont wan to c it oso

i cant recognize myself in the mirror
im wasting away
lost 4kg studying in three wks hha

wat the helll
im going to concentrate on biochem now
hope my name is not on the list
hope its all over in 72hrs frm yest

but my heart ll b weighted until 3may
jus let mi pass this time
pls

-13/4/05


since i told myself i wud onli start blogging aft the whole harrowing exp is over here it is
biochem vivas didnt haf my name aniwae
now the last worry abt direct supp
i guess wat e hell if i haf to go i haf to go so i shud jus get a life and not wallow in my pathetic self inflicted misery

was relieved aft the biochem results were out so
yep
went out w gang
in py's words... my shortest skirt and my highest pair of heels
haha
jus wanted to make myself happi..

so now i wud do my stuff study summore help my bro w his stuff.. btw he's pissed off w mi coz i didnt let mi watch soccer yest sigh
and wait for 3may
if everithing is over its happiness
if everithing is not over... crap but ya life goes on