Happi bdae to my erge today heng ar not midnite yet or else over liaoz

im getting nostalgic suddenly i dunnoe y
tinkg abt jc days... days i took jap
mayb coz i spent the nite toking to pri sch fren, jc frens la
one hectic yr past
i passed
finally the freaking nitemare is over
the vice dean says, " this is the beginning of a new yr"
?
okok
time to wake up n make 500x check tt stuff tt happen to mi this yr
wont happen to mi again

jus realize tt everione diverge in their paths to persue their dreams
jus like i did
n everione walked further away frm each other physically of coz
hearts oso abit la
unavoidable i guess
memories r the only things tt stay w u forever i guess
n tts all u haf left the day u die
hor

dunnoe y suddenly feel all weird n stuff
im v disturbed tt i cant rem my jap sensei's name
hope anione whu noe wat is the name of my jap teacher in rj.. pls let mi noe
i always tink tt pple ll haf more frens pple feel more distant its natural
its hard to hold on tightly to pple/things rite
but its tt sickeningly cold feelg creepg in my heart tt makes mi feel weird
dunnoe y O_o"

aniwae
haha
may is the season for bdaes!
rite?

the nail tt's left behind... kinda lonely huh ;p 

my nail drop off the other day, frm my left middle toe. ran the door across it aft the cas n there was pus, aft tt i felt empty i too hum to yank the whole thing out so jus left it there. everitime i wear long pants it ll scrap across it n flip it abit abit.. n it finally dropped off sigh.. scary.. my left middle toe :_( 

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tink i finally got my retribution
yest my bro sent mi home then pass by buangkok mrt station then i anyhow say tt everytime the train bypass tt station w/o stoping, dont stare into the dark station coz u might c a hantu waving at u haha
i neva exactly saw it b4 la but i always worry i get some cheaptrill mustering my courage to stare into the empty station as the train pass by.
then i got scared by my dad last nite coz both mi n my bro toking on the phone in my rm then my came in, i didnt noe n when i turned ard saw him stading behind mi i screamed rite into his face haha.. tinkg got hantu

then i had an ultra vivid nightmare last nite
its a hantu nightmare again la
sigh
i was at an old sch cmpd sumthing like rj
then i was watching some trng of vj vball team i tink, in the dream my cousin was in the team la
but in reality my cousin is not in vj and not in vball
then i was w my senior victoria
then it started to drizzle, i need to go to the loo
then she said she wud wait outside for mi
then i went into a cubicle got toiletbowl but sumhow there r 2 toiletbowls in one cubicle and the other toilet bowl has like two long 'fu' crisscross across it
then beside it got a golden buddha statue and my toilet bowl is squashed to the wall
somehow i can see a sch attendant in front of mi while i peeing
a malay lady
she told mi this toiletbowl is hauted coz a young attendant named java killed herself in the cubicle or sumthing
then i hurry hurry finish peeing la tinking wa i scared sia
then the lighting kinda yellow or green cant realli rem, abit like the fright nite toilet feeling
i tried to open the toilet cubicle door tt somehow opens inward and scrap past e floor almost touching the budda i didnt haf alot of space to go out la but was squashed at the side of the cubicle n finally made my way out w/o touching the statue on the floor or the haunted cubicle
i even said bye to the attendant lor... friendly-ly
dunnoe y
even tho i was q freaked liao
then i cudnt find victoria n called her n she said her fren gifing her a ride so she left first
i cudnt rem how i got home
but i rem tt rainy nite n how it felt
cold, dark....

i used to not dream at all
then my series of night mares started aft the exams
always related to exams
like i didnt hand in the paper
or didnt go to sit for the paper and stuff
recently i stop hafing exams related dreams but now hantu dreams?

jus now i fell asleep and dreamt tt huiyi's bf is chen hanwei in huo xia qu
the biantai person tt i tell my mum he feels like a hantu
i even scolded him and asked him to leave her alone coz she like traumatized in his presence

hantu in another form..
weird dreams im having
if i tell my mama she sure say coz i got nothing better to do
haha

dunnoe la
nightmares
better than no dreams at all?
heh

today is the first time in my life my P+P feels so suan coz of hemorrhage
now i finally understands wat my frens usually describes
coz im lucky enuff neva to haf it in my life
sit oso cannot lie down oso cannot stand oso cannot
sigh
jialat

:s

i realli wud like to apologize to my fren coz i kinda caused her to crash her bumper into a pillar
sorry abt tt
i realli tot the car had enuff dist to turn so i told her, "can, can.." and "bam!" sigh
im realli sorrie

paiseh to serene oso
the flower hunt was cancelled coz of mi

aniwae spent damn alot of $$ on bks
they were so heavy i cudnt move them so i got my bro to cum pick mi
waited at the lobby of panpacific hotel the guard's q nice

met a lady whu haf tt same pair of 3" heels tt i haf
its been such a long time since i saw anione whu has exactly the same pair of shoe as i do

was in a rather bad mood the whole sat
guilt i guess
i started to tink whether it's coz im always so frivolous, haha, nonsense tt caused the damage this time
always relaxed, laid bk, take things as they cum
do stupid things to make pple laugh
or sumhow they like to laugh at wat i say wat i do even when i didnt mean to make them laugh
i guess this is my default mode
but is it bad?
i can get v dark n gloomy and send off bad vibes when im in a shitty mood

mayb i shud tone down
take things more seriously
n jus shut tt trap of mine sumtimes
then i wont b hilarious in a bad way rite haha

dont noe la
been hiding at home most of the time
feel like calling pple, meetg up, catching up abit but jus cant perk myself up to go do it
but
im PACKING MY RM!
ha

the routine for those whu noe mi
i do it aft everi sch yr
tink it ll take q long haha

i finish the whole set of hana yori dango aka meteor garden tt liv lent mi a yr ago :p
wa took like 3-4 days
she took 11 yrs to draw all tt
wow
it started in 1990!
no wonder i always tot the fashion in tt comic was abit
then they had pagers
then handphones
haha can even see techo development in comic
n fashion evolving
oh i read the little columns the writer wrote
the first cd n cassette thing had kimura as hanazawa rui's voice
im dying to hear!!
haha
was craving for tt fam voice tt i went to watch gd luck today heh

they had naohito fujiki as rui in the movie oso
feel like watching too
did all those little tests at the bk of the comic
both tests said the f4 guy tt suits mi most is rui
O_o"
he so stone ? hahah
but i like the fact tt he boh huet anione except those pple he like, he like to sleep n watch tv (heh similar ) n if he has kimura's voice?!?
i prefer pple who noe wat they wan like domyoji
im going crazy over the comic la
glad tt i finally finish reading it the 2nd time
liv, going to return u soon la

as im tying this 93.3 is playing ni yao de ai
the penny dai's song
tt is the ending theme song for liu xing hua yuan
its a sign
haha
scary coincidence

jus like my horoscope on sat says im in for a bumpy rite tt day
n true enuff heh

walaue

bk to packing my rm!

I went for a swim today. The public pool is terrible. I think it has gotten from bad to worse, as I would safely say that the water was murky. I tried to comfort myself my thinking that the sun wasn't up and light hasn't entered the pool, so it isn't really that bad. But after a couple of laps, my sensitive-to-dirty-stuff skin started itching like nobody's business.
I saw many floating particles, including hair, flakes of skin and whatnots.
I decided to press on anyway to hit my target of 40laps, but after 26 my bladder was so freaking full that it felt like bursting. I didn't entertain that fleeting thought of peeing there n then. haha. O_o"
So i got out of the pool, went the loo, and was back in the pool soon after. Then i met a "water hantu" aka "shui gui"
A little one at least.
A young boy grabbed my ankle, when i swam past his path, that realli startled me, and my reflex action was to kick haha
Guess my S1,2 Archilles tendon reflex was triggered although he didn't exactly tap my Archilles tendon.
I really thought it was a water hantu but i wasnt in the end.
Think i scared the little boy and his dad/granddad who was standing by the pool looking at him swim and when i came back after one lap, they both packed up and left. O_o"
I remember quite vivdly that I didnt kick him at all so I hope he is ok and not feeling terribly traumatized.
What an exciting swimming experience haha
I hurriedly finished my remaining 14laps and went home as the sky was really dark and gloomy and it was about to pour.

- THE END-

i still feel tt i cant write naturally w perfect eng
macam like pri sch compo lidat sigh

On a lighter note, I have decided to try typing in good English, since everyone who read my blog seem to think that my command of English is terrible. I realized that I have a very hard time typing in complete sentences, since my thoughts usually appear in words or short phrases and since GP is gone for good in my life, I might just as well type in any way i want.
(That is a terribly long sentence)

PDCD is coming up in a couple of weeks time and "oh my god!" I have to write essays to pass the freaking exam, although peiyun mentioned the other day that the format of the test might have changed to MCQ.
Just to be on the safe side, I have better start learning how to write properly once again.

damn this is getting on my nerves.
watever

since i cant seem to get down to concentrating on biochem today i might as well write sumthing
was tinking of writing this all down after EVERITHING is over
but i guess it ll onli b over on 3 may n tts still q far away

the most harrowing experience of my life
mi n my stupidity
mi n my laziness
mi being a weakling
mi tinkg tt i cant bear all this animore

crap
it started during ca2 prep i guess
so mani things to rem i jus cant rem
so mani things to stardeee
no time no time no time
stress of exam
then ca came n went
in n out of depression
jus sitting at my table n cry
coz i cant take it
feel small whiney n stupid
aft the physio paper i knew i failed it

fuck
cried my way home hope no one saw
stardee again for anat
came n went
thanx to the tips frm the profs
it was ok
lifted my spirits abit n went home to sleep
got onto the wrong lrt blah blah
watched hitch

soon huayu was bk
im happi
three wks to pros
stress level rose once again
stardee stress depress cry whine go hysterical stardee again cry summore
i tink im going crazy
crossing out the days one by one
one wk left
i haf no time animore
yank my hair out until i tink im going bald
my mama sweep oso shock so much hair on the floor
no lunch everidae
cant eat
too depress
bit my fingers my lips
til the fingers flaky flaky skin n start bleed
it hurt so much tt i cudnt write animore
kept sucking my own bld frm my lips
kept picking on the zits on my face
cant bear to sleep everidae

pros came n left
last mon tue wed
b4 the paper
bouts of hysteria
i haf no time
i cant finish
i cant rem
i hate my self n i want to die - copywrited frm sumone but kept going thru my head
i cant take it animore

first thing on monday
everione says
huimin u look v stress
i noe
im v stressed
worried tt i wont do well
worried tt i need to go for viva
worried tt i need to go for supp
worried tt i fail supp n retain
worried tt i need to go on my knees to beg ocbc to continue gifing mi my scholarship
worried tt i fail
worried tt i cant take it when i fail
worried abt everithing on this world

cry like some whiney crap
coz everione at home to worry
acted like a freaky baby
wanted everione to sayang mi n tell mi it ll b fine
then ill feel bad toward my parent n cry even more

didnt noe how tt three days came n went
went home of wed to sleep everione went out to play
i need to stardee more for viva for supp i dunnoe
slept
awoken to continue worrying
cry
slept again
delirious i cant tink str

tok to xiangyun whu tried so hard to cheer mi up
tok to huayu whu was given the ardous task by my parents to comfort mi
whu can comfort mi
searching for sumone to save mi
no one can

got bk to stardeeing the next day
slow progress
slow
worries cant stop tinking abt the namelist for vivas
if i c my name on it how
if i go for supp how
actualli i noe i jus need to face the reality and get a life
go then go rite
shit scared like shit

budden
how?
dunnoe
py came by to stardee w mi for 2 days
i stardee but i dont learn
i cant commit stuff welll to memory coz i dont keep tinking abt them n draw links
i mus learn

tot the physio wud b out on fri
i didnt
tot the physio wud b out on mon
i didnt
ok tue confirm anat viva list out
scared liike shit again
coz my most confident subj
if im going for vivas for anat
the rest is dead

went to sch yest
cried like shit again b4 i left
scared like shit again on my bros van

py called my name isnt on it
heng
i cudnt believe kept running thru the list
its not there
shudnt haf to go for supp la
i cleared anat

physio is out too at 11+
cudnt breathe veri well on the way to the board
held my breath my name is not there

the little worry at the bk of my head
am i a direct supp?
alex say its rare unless u realli didnt do the paper
caleb say shudnt haf to go unless u noe u failed terribly for pros
i tried to calculate how i can get less than 40%
i need to get less than 46/120 to go for direct supp
q hard rite
but i never noe
i feel ok abt the final paper at least for the last 80 marks at the bk
but i never noe rite
feeling ok might not b ok
so shit
the direct supp list ll onli b out on 3may
till then haah

biochem is not out
i dunnoe im worried
im studyign but im slacking
shit shit
im studying la
aft i stop typing this

tried praying seriously the first time in my life
to tt mighty being out there
i learnt my lesson i did
pls let mi pass this time
pls jus let mi pass
can?

no name on the viva
r my prayers ansewered?
i dunnoe
biochem how?
i gotta study

my horoscope yest says -
That long, strange trip you've been on? Its about to come to a rapid-fire close - over the next 72hrs. Doesn't sound quick - unless you consider the past three long, strange weeks you've been enduring.

omg does it mean tt biochem viva list ll b out by tmr
i ll clear n i wont haf to go sup
a rapid fire close
serene sure has influenced mi to read into horoscope
lets hope its true

but like i told my bro
i deserved it all la
i did study
realli for m1 yr
alot harder than in jc liao
but it jus didnt seem good enuff
coz guess wat
huimin barely studied in jc ha
didnt even noe how i got my As result to b gd enuff
im didnt go good enuff

next yr if ever i land myself in such a situation again
i haf given the right to ppl close to mi
jus slap mi rite across the face to ask mi to wake up my idea
next yr im so not going to worry for pass fail vivas or supp
im going to get everithing str everiday
no cuming home to sleep coz im too tired nothing of tt sort

stop being a whiney lousy freak
tt scared ur whole fam
ur poor mum n dad
whu haf to worry for mi at work
scared i kill myself
my poor bros whu tried all their means to cheer mi up
to help mi in aniway
stop being a liability
my mama says she believes tt im smart
m i?

hopefully
she say im always v zai b4 exams
y this time so jialat
she doesnt wan to c it again
i dont wan to c it oso

i cant recognize myself in the mirror
im wasting away
lost 4kg studying in three wks hha

wat the helll
im going to concentrate on biochem now
hope my name is not on the list
hope its all over in 72hrs frm yest

but my heart ll b weighted until 3may
jus let mi pass this time
pls

-13/4/05


since i told myself i wud onli start blogging aft the whole harrowing exp is over here it is
biochem vivas didnt haf my name aniwae
now the last worry abt direct supp
i guess wat e hell if i haf to go i haf to go so i shud jus get a life and not wallow in my pathetic self inflicted misery

was relieved aft the biochem results were out so
yep
went out w gang
in py's words... my shortest skirt and my highest pair of heels
haha
jus wanted to make myself happi..

so now i wud do my stuff study summore help my bro w his stuff.. btw he's pissed off w mi coz i didnt let mi watch soccer yest sigh
and wait for 3may
if everithing is over its happiness
if everithing is not over... crap but ya life goes on