I AM FINALLY HOME

I've really got to take down this experience of a life time before i forgot any bit of it. Due to the unwell feeling, the timeline is probably abit fuzzy but i'll try.

It started of christmas day when my tummy started to ache ( i know this part coz i've given this hx many times)
this mild generalized discomfort which i tried to relieve w panadol n pohchaipills..
then the pain persisted to boxing day when it was still around.
somehow on 27th wed it stopped. i was really glad cause i meant that i could go out to meet gang, py's bk frm YN, we can go hy's house to get christmas present, we can eat sakae sushi buffet and watch The Holiday (probably a must-see girly x'mas show)
well everything went well and it's been a long time since all of gang who are present locally are present so i was real happy
but alas, i didnt get to watch the later 1/2 of the holiday
the show started at 6.50

by 8pm i was twisting n turning in my chair and could not sit up straight. there was this feeling of nausea and i felt tt i was going to puke in my seat.
there were 2 empty seats beside me (ah tan, this is frm ahgong gonggor club)
so out i went to the toilet outside. thank god the toilet was relatively clean. w clean seat clean floor and i ended up squatting in the cubicle hugging the toilet bowl and trying to puke.
in the end i had to stick my trusty R index finger in and out came my sushi..
but i never felt better. never got bk to the show. i only managed to go bk in to get my bag and came out... called my mum who called my dad who (sorry to his student) got his student to go home to come pick me up.. by then it was almost 9+ and most clinics were closed already. so my dad drove around until amk ave 3 chong boon area where there this peace clinic tt's open till midnite.
while puking my gut out waiting for my queue number to be called, outside the clinic, a giant cockroach flew and landed on my wrist. wth. oh well too sick to scream i just jolted out of my seat n fling it off.. then it was my turn in n out i went w/in 5 min because we both didnt think it was anything serious. i thought it was just some indigestion (from too much good food - the lousy fate of a tamjiatgui) or gastritis and he thought like wise too. i like the doc. he's a nice gentle man. oh well he gave me maxolon, buscopan, meteospasmyl.
i puked a total of 6 times that night.
but after i took the pills and was happy for half a day (hai didnt do my cofm but watched huayangshaonianshaonu py bought frm me frm YN) n after dinner, IT came!

the nausea the vomiting... my little white puke container... i puked n puked n puked... w couple of mins interval each time... puked while i watch project superstar (to support D - for py n ser) and at 3 am after a total of countless of retching n 6 hugh puking sprees.. i decided it's time to check myself into the hospital.. thru the night i was moving rd the house trying to find a comfortable position.. talked to my er ge but nothing could stop it from coming. so i calmly woke my parents up at 3am... and my dad checked me into TTSH A&E.

at the A&E i lied on tt little push-table.. retching away..
was really impressed by the registar lady doc who got the blue plug in at one shot. at the cubital fossa area.. unlike my frens like happy veins.. my veins really aint tt prominent. they are real hard to see n find but SHE GOT IT IN! hope i'm like her one day.. so the metoclopramide went in n the N/S went in too but the retching didnt stop. i was observed at the A&E for a abt 2+ hrs until 6+ when it's decided tt since i cant stop vomiting.. i've got to b hospitalized. during the observation at A&E, i met a nice gentle nurse who gave me milo n bread cause i was real hungry but after a cup of milo.. the vomiting was unstoppable once again.

so at almost 7am, i was pushed up to ward 7A, welcomed by a male nurse n my dad.
nurse UMI kinda did the first hand clerking abt drug allergies PMH fall hx n stuff.. so is a real nice lady.. i really like her. cause i cry alot thru out my stay she'll always call me sayang :) she was the first to intro all the other nurses to me and told me: "welcome to ward 7A" feel free to call us anytime when u need anything.

then dad left n i tried to sleep but retched away.. sorry to mdm lee my neighbour and also another auntie opp me whom i didnt get to know cause she got d/c the same afternoon. however both patients n families got real disturbed by my retching n vomiting.

then i cant really rem wat happened already.. the next few days were q a blur.. think my mama my bros my sister-in-laws (i think they are now) came and ser n py stayed the whole day w me... actually i dint wan2 bother my frens i thought i'll b out on the same day if i stopped puking but I WAS WRONG. it was kinda a beginning of a nightmare.
that day i was q happy. richard uncle came too, my dad.. and i was joking/laughing kinda my usual self they'll left at 10+ everyone believed i cud leave by the next day which was 30th.. i was thinking hmm still got time to do cofm.
but tt night was the longest night of my entire life.
worst then mugging for pros.

i cudnt sleep at all.
i woke up at midnight. w/o family.. not tt i was scared of the dark but i just cant get bk to sleep. everytime i lied down slightly, i retched. so up-down-up-down i went staring at the clock tick frm 12 midnight to 8 in the morning. i started to have a panic attack at 3/4? am.. felt tt my chest was real tight n i could not breathe.. this lady nurse ( didnt manage to get her name) was v kind.. kept coming in to ask how she can help me but i didnt know too. the HO was real busy. some patient was decompensating. i felt real bad for being such a pain-in-the-ass. the HO had to calm me down over the phone n assure me tt she'll be w me asap. but i really cant breathe well and started hyperventilating.. at abt 6am, she came n did n ECG on me finally and it was normal.. they worry abt some cardiac events and took my bld for cardiac enzymes. i was kinda clamed down abit managed to sleep for a while before i was woken up at 7+ then the retching started and i just lost it.. i went bersek..

seriously. i was crying and crying and crying. i didnt really understand y. mayb i felt real unwell. mayb i felt tt i need to whine for my parents. mayb crying stopped the retching for a whee bit. i cried and started hyperventilating. by the time my team docs came i was hyperventilating so much that my fingers were all extended and cant be flexed. all my muscles felt cramped, from my fingers to my abdomen, my back, my knees, my feet, my face felt like something was compressing it.. it was a real weird feeling n i was walking w a spastic gait. (seriously). i was cant even sms properly and i needed help to pee.. the nursing assistant was q worried for me she brought me a bed pan. first time i ever used a bed pan in my life. it feels abit weird. now i know.
well before the toilet thingy. the docs came. everyone knew i was a medical student.. cause the first nurse umi clerked me i told her n she told the first HO on call who clerked me and then i think they kinda bold n stamped(i think) on my file. all the docs knew.. they spent q abit of time w me.. getting plastic bag for me to breathe in, telling me to calm down. one said, "huimin.. you are going to work in this profession, no matter wat we have to stay calm at all times" i'll always remember tt but i culdnt help it.. they asked me to slow down my breathing, breathed w me and i insisted tt i wanted to go home. i told them tt staying in the hospital is making me very anxious. i dont know wat i'm anxious about. mayb it's the thought of staying wide awake thru the night retching. feeling extreme fatigue but still retching. the sense of discomfort, unwellness, i told them tt staying in the hospital is driving me crazy. and i really believed that to be true. i cant lie down, i cant sit, i cant walk around. nothing makes me comfortable.

so now tt i have a history of panic attack and hyperventilation, i'm slightly worried tt i might happen again in the future. i hope i'll never let it happen again.

tt was one terrible day.. and my bros came py came again.. my 4th uncle came. he gave me a drink tt suppose to dispel evil spirits and i vomited voluminous amounts after drinking it n he said i'll be fine. believe it or not. i'm a free thinker. i'm not superstitious but i go pray when my mama asked me to. the "god" once said tt i dont believe in such things but one day it'll happen to me n i'll believe it. i wonder if it's this day. but i think frm tt day on i was an emotional wreck.. i cry at the slightest things. things tt make me uncomfortable (my retching n vomiting) things tt make me feel touched ( my family's love n concern n my fren's visiting) i cried.. never cried so much in my life.. never got to know this vulnerability side of myself (yes py ll talk abt me crying under the petronas tower when i had GE in sec sch)

i was given a blue letter to the pyschiatrist to optimize my recovery. if i'm not wrong, his name is prof Ong. he's an interesting old man. he looks at u above his reading glasses and talks in a very calm tone. he tried to advise, talk me thru my anxiety.. he used a couple of cheem terms but he assures me i'll learn in pyschiatry in the future (med student identity exposed once again). in short he meant i was making a moutain out of a mole hill (in a nice way) he says tt i cant see myself getting well.. which was true. i can only see my nonstop vomiting n retching n discomfort. which was true. he say by making such a small illness into a ultra big event, i might see it as a near death event and be traumatized by the near death event for a long time.. i seemed to be going in that direction n it is not healthy at all. i told him i think the retching is physcological, because i think tt retching ll make me feel better, but it doesnt. in fact it makes it worse. but he thinks it's still the gastritis and of course the anxiety too. so after a long long chat i felt abit better and he tried to hypnotize me.. focus on a small point, close ur eyes n try to imagine the pt thru ur closed eyes. when i count to 3 u ll feel ur mouth n lips very relaxed.. then use ur imagination to feel the relaxation spread thru ur face, ur shoulders, ur arms, ur abdomen, ur pelvis all the way down to ur feet. by the time i start counting from 10, u'll feel totally relaxed and feel urself lighter n lighter ( even w the feeling of floating) and when i count to 3 u ll open ur eyes and by 1 u'll be totally awake. sorry dr ong. the relaxed feeling went to the toes but not totally.. all my muscles were still cramped frm the hyperventilation n i was unable to relax them and i didnt feel the floaty feeling...

my dad came soon after. he was q angry w the phychiatrist i think. cause he believed tt his daughter aka me, is not a nut case n didnt need one. but i explained to him it was a one off anxiety attack.. but i think he might not come to terms with tt.. using his own way.. my dad brought me out of the ward.. he insisted i pushed the wheelchair, not sit on it and walked ard w him.. my dad is a strong man. he believes tt fresh air and all will allow me to get well. and so we walked around, wanting to visit his frens doing physio n occupational therapy in the hospital but they went home already.

i was given ativan to help me sleep and had such a good night sleep on 30th's night to 31st.. i really thought i was able to go home on 31st.. even wrote my thankyou card to the doctors and nurses already... but lo and behold.. i was well and everything until sometime in the afternoon after i drank some water frm coffeebean (went down for a walk) and started puking non stop again.. haiz then the cry n anxiety and emotion all came again.. ser n py came again i think.. and so did almost all my aunties and cousin n uncles n even my ah ma! came to visit me.. haiz.. i was feeling all those guilt tt i made everyone worry everyone busy..

sleeping on the 31st night aint tt good too.. only managed to sleep at 3am. been up n down up n down retching away. each time i sit up, my mama ll sit up to look at me resulting in her unable to sleep as well... guilt guilt as usual.

there goes my wish to spend the new year's eve home reflecting on the year tt has past n the year tt's coming.

1st of jan was one of the badder days. my 7th aunt came early in the morning cooking kwaytiao n marcorni soup for me.. juices buskits she brought everything but after having one mouthful of marcorni.. the vomiting started.. the crying started. so in summary i was an emotional wreck if u've seen me these few days, right? i hate myself for being so weak.. all my life i've pride myself as being a strong n independent person. only abit more yang-orh when it comes to exam stress but other than tt.. i'm myself.. not those sickening little girls tt need to cling on to their elder siblings n sulk if they cant go out w them. i've always been independent willing to try anything coming my way. but not this time. i totally lost it. lost to to my illness. lost to my weak will power. i'm just plain weak.
i'll mumble mumble all the time.. my dage says, " i cannot cry. i cannot vomit anymore" i'll grab my brothers' hands ask them to trust me that i'm getting well, i'll be strong but i'm so not showing it.

i cried like shit when caleb came to see me.. i'm sorry to hear abt him coming bk frm taiwan. then yingxian n ny came too... then huiyi n huixian came too.. pleasantly surprising me w the snow man they left w my neighbour after not finding me at home with.. still hospitalized. then fel n py came then my 4th auntie livia uncle came too. (hope i didnt miss out anyone.. i was q delirious frm all those retching n crying already). i cant rem when but siwei n josh came by to visit me too. at night jialin tek came up w fel n py all these pple.. all these pple who truly care for me all came. my autie fed me mouthful at a time.. of porridge.. after a couple of tries i puke all out.. i took an omeprazole, and vomited it out immediately.. could still see the pink pill. so the nurse suggested i take the maxolon first and 1/2 hr later the rest. n my auntie continued feeding mouthfuls of milo... until i finally managed to tolerate some stuff in my tummy and last dinner was the last time i vomited. before my auntie's little magic trick.. my mama had her own way.. my retching has become such a habit i suspect it felt like bulimia.. everything i eat.. i'll retch it out.. fingers had been used seriously cause the discomfort in the chest when i lie down was terrible.. my mama encourage me not to puke.. cause all i did was burp out air. burping nonstop, cause the retching caused me to suck in alot of air. i tahan tahan the whole night.. some pt in time i cudnt sleep cause i cant stop burping.. but my family held my hand n i finally managed to sleep till this morning.

was unable to be discharged before 1 cause i had a fever spike the night before and they wanted to observe for 24 hrs but i insisted i need to go home today so by almost 5 i could go home! met ah tan n weiting.. before i left thnx for coming.

this experience taught me quite a few things.

i have alot of pple who love me dearly.
my immediate family: my dad, my mum, my da ge, my er ge, xiao hui, eunice
i was damn touched when the nurses and neighbours asked if they were my sisters and they readily said yes/considered to be. never had elder sis before so it felt real nice
my dad who cancelled many students and cant concentrate at work because of me
my mama who refused to go home but slept in tt hard little uncomfortable chair to take care of me.. who teared when i cried
my dage who held my hand n told me i'll be alright. i'm his sis and got to be strong. n bought me cds and gifts frm hongkong.. he was real shocked when he came bk frm holiday to find me hospitalized
my erge.. always suan me like shit bought me my fav kfc whipped potato which i ate when i cudnt eat anything else. who went scouting for vcds i like.. and bought me tokyo juliet just because he saw wuzun's face n know i like wuzun frm huayangshaonianshaonu.. he ll hold my hand n promise me kfc when i get well.. our late night studying n ordering of macs.. w me whining cause last order of kfc is forever before midnight.
eunice who ll hold my hand n coax me to sleep n encourage me
xiaohui who's presence is ever so reassuring.. who ll talk to the docs n settle stuff for me
and so many many things they did for me tt i cant possible write all of them down here.

my extended family: aunties uncles cousins ahma
my aunties who tell me to them i'm their daughter too.. who fed me every mouth of food/milo despite me throwing up everything.. who whisper in my ear.. saying tt they'll wait for me to get well.. uncles who ll pat my back, hold my hand, chase away evil spirits, do everything they can for me.. cousins like ahboy who reassures me w tt look of his.. angel msg me during her lunch break everyday to see my progress and was so worried. liv who gets hot water, gets hairclips, gets hairbands, feed me milo.. my dear little cousins whom i've always thought of as my younger siblings (cause i'm youngest at home) all came to support

my frens:
gang - py who was here everyday despite having to rush her cofm proj after she return frm YN. doing her project.. letting me hear songs.. encouraging me.. w hugs
ser - last few days in spore could really be spent better ways than coming to ttsh n spending the whole day looking at sickly me n gossiping w my mama
fel- who was sick too but came w tulips n reassurance
huiyi - came to my house then to hosp once she knew i was in there, encouraging me
xian - try to get jay to sing to me to distract me frm retching n comforting me
caleb - held me hand till i could control my breathing.. praying for me
yingxian - a comforting pat on the hand n the look on his face was real encouraging
ny - he came in the morn but we didnt get a chance to talk. i was real surprised last nite when i woke up suddenly seeing him sitting on a chair beside my bed reading.. waiting for me to wake up to chat.. but the pills made me too sleep. thnx pal. i'll always rem tt. we shall talk more next time k! cya real soon in sch.
ah lin& tek - sorry i was too busy trying not to puke/cry to talk to u guys.. but thnx for being there
siwei n josh - thnx for visiting...
mr oh. - my dad's fren.. a dear uncle to me.. when he was doing his chemo, under isolation, i clerked him, examined him.. now when he's better he came to comfort me. he say i'm sad, crying cause i think too much. he told me.. look at ur hands huimin. what have u got there? i wanted to say fingers but the ans was nothing.. we hold nothing in our hands.. we shudnt desire many many things.. tt ll only make us unhappy when we dont get it. as long as we stay happy we ll be fine.

i really hope i didnt miss out any frens i family who came physically to see me. i might be too delirious to rem but i'll forever b grateful to u guys

and also those who i didnt manage to catch their names.. there's a nurse Umi.. the first one i came in contact w.. nurse XM, who helped me through my night of hyperventilation, nurse R who gave me her hp to make frens w me, n all the nurses n aunties who served me food n stuff... staff who wheeled me for CXR AXR.. tell me their daughters abt my age.. call me sayang tell me not to cry.. nurse Doris frm 5D like to make me laugh thru my tears.. so many others i thank them all. they all say waiting 2.5 yrs i must go bk ttsh work w them (hope they dont laugh at me this med student who like to cry)

the team docs.. dr A the HO who clerked mi first was real nice.. how did they know i was med student? just because i told him my vomitus was nonbloody n nonbilious he immediately asked if i was a med staff haaa. one word gave me away. since then they kinda chopped stamped signed tt i'm med student n everyone ll ask me abt it.. the docs were v kind.. i know ward rounds suppose to have no time must chop chop curry pok but they actually sat down confort me.. pointed out to me i was hyperventilating me, got me plastic bags to breathe in.. rub my shoulders n all. thnx guys!

oh my tian.. and injections are bloody painful. plugs are painful we all know tt.. but the A&E doc sui sui got it in not much pain i've got no complaints just tt everytime i bend my elbows it hurts la.. then there were IM injections.. dont think it's a mosquito bite.. i mean if small vol prob no sweat.. i'm the kind who likes to stare when pple inject me w stuff.. but IM considerable amts of maxolon is mother paiful! ABG! f*** damn painful too argh.. now i feel guitly for missing a couple when i did night calls last time... n i finally found out y some docs dont like my fav vein.. i asked the HO. as someone w/o prominent veins for bldtaking i've only got one good prominent palpable one.. it's on the lateral side of ur hand, near the anatomical snuff box.. i cud always get the bld there.. tt's where the HO took today too.. i asked him y it's not the first choice (once i heard frm someone there's some nerve there - i'm not sure) he says he feels tt it likes to run.. and of course how can they let me go w/o blood taking form the dorsum of my hand?
but the HO is damn funny.. he say easiest is always femoral! if u miss the artery, u get the vein haaa n he said during his time there were rumours during surg posting tt female students allowed male classmates to practice breast exam on them. sure or not?!? i raised my eyebrows at him.. he just shrugged n said rumors la..

i always knew i was the baby of my family but this hospitalization made me consciously aware how my parents n bros n (future) sis-in-laws treat me
it made me realize many things abt myself too..
i always thought i'm mentally strong.. judo training can get real tough, tooth extraction w dentisit i'll hate w my guts but a little virus just crumble me.. made me such a useless whiner. i've never felt more useless then this ever before. i cant help but feel sad, angry, guilty.. watever.. everyone tell me i think too much, but i've always been this escapist who dont think abt my problems... i dont cry tt easily seriously, except for movies n books.. but i cried enuff these couple of days to make up a yr's worth probably.
i feel ashamed to b such a weak daughter sister fren
but everyone still nice enough to tell mi it's ok cause i'm sick
but deep down i know.. i'm just a real weak person. n i'm not sure if i can come to terms w that.
haiz
i think this post is getting way too long.. little meals are making me hungry again
cofm project not done
chp grp leader not present
wat a way to start the year.
resolution
ser says.. keep a diary (i'm trying my best w the blog) i need to learn more abt myself la.

thnx to all those who came
sorry to all those i didnt inform.. didnt wan to bother u guys..
i'll b bk in sch hopefully monday.
n hopefully one day i'll b good enuff to b collegue w them all.