finally internet connection!
it left w alan and came bk w him as well. hope it doesnt leave again w him on monday morning

i've been at kisiizi for a week. it's been tiring. i do love the place and the people here and have seen many things that i've not seen before in my life. enjoyed the food the weather the hospitalitiy and all. but this wk has been particularly rough. 3 pts under our care died. i dont even really know y they did. but doing surgical ward rds w py, together w the nurses, by ourselves, proved to be v challenging. and sometimes i feel bad for being impatient w the nurses but things are just not being done like now-now. btw now is different frm now-now, which has a more urgent connotation. inx that i order can be just not done by the next day. we need to do wound inspection and even vitals ourselves coz sometimes the nurses jus look so sian n bohchap tt i dont even bother asking. yest woah we even had to do gynae rds. great. well had a chance to do VEs and PRs and all but i just feel useless n incompetent most of the time actually. my patient was dying in front of me and i dont know wat to do for him at all. apart frm monitoring his vitals n his clinical condition. had to go look for help and waited another hr or 2 before dr denis came and things started happening. then i realized that in my frenzy there were a lot of impt things that were not done by me. the 02 wasnt even connected correctly for a long time n i didnt even check. the nurses just sat in front of the bed in the ward cause there's no ICU and watch me do the vitals. i wonder if i'll make a fantastic nurse but they just told me this man is going to die. now. well he didnt for the next 12 hrs but did eventually at 10.30pm on thurs nite. so yea my sinking feeling in my tummy was rite when i saw the bed empty on fri morning once i stepped into the ward. another pt died aft we passed by her bed before we ended rds on the other side of the ward and i wonder y i dint go pull down her blanket to even look at her. instead just followed the doc to the next bed aft he said, she's for palliative care n ordered physio for her contractures. i dint even look at her despite the fact that i was there by her bed just mins before she died. this is all q fucked up.

depressing stuff aside, there are really great things and people here. some doctors and nurses are really dedicated and good and efficient and i respect them. other nurses will do the things properly for u if u breathe down their neck to get them to do it, which i'm still trying my best to maintain cool abt, giving my biggest smile and thanking them w all my heart after they do it. i can feel my heart getting stronger by the day and i'm trying to learn to deal w all these emotions which are uncommon for me but yea i'll learn.

but i know i'll miss this place when i get bk. i know this place has kinda left an impact on me despite have a sec of "eh, y am i still here?!?" this past few mornings when i woke up. wonder when will b the next time i'll b bk. haha